Beneath (Heven and Hell #3.5) Page 5

  I had lost everything.

  The only thing I had left was my never-fading love for God (yes, even now) and my existence.

  I understood the feeling of weakness that had driven Callum to make the deal in order to save me because I now felt it too. I’d been too weak to save him. I had to stand by and watch as someone stole his life.

  And like Callum, I wanted to find the strength to save him. But it was too late. But those who took away his life still roamed this world. There was, no doubt, evil lurking in the shadows right this very minute, waiting to pounce on some innocent somewhere.

  Yes, I wanted strength. But unlike Callum, I wasn’t going to bargain for it. I was going to earn it. I was going to train, I was going to learn, and I was going to hunt down Sinead and force him to teach me the Guardian ways.

  I might be forced to walk this earth alone forever, but I was damn sure gonna kick some ass in the meantime.

  Present Day

  I didn’t like when the season’s changed. I used to. Years ago when I first fell, the rotating weather was exciting. Each time Mother Nature gave birth to a new season, it brought with it something beautiful, from joyful flowers pushing through the earth to trees becoming a kaleidoscope of colors or snow blanketing the world in white. I still thought the changing seasons were beautiful, but they were also inconvenient. Like right now.

  I was sitting on the roof’s ledge, ignoring the way the chill in the wind made my muscles tense and my fingertips sting. Never before had I stayed this long in one place. The longest I ever remained anywhere was ten days, and it had been warm there. Usually, at the first sign of cold weather, I would leave, simply go where the air was warm and the sky stayed blue. It certainly made sleeping outside much more comfortable. But here I was, sitting on this rooftop, looking out over trees that would soon be bare and likely covered with snow. Sleeping in a tree without the concealment and protection of the leaves wasn’t ideal, but it also wasn’t impossible. I’d done it before. But, sleeping in a bare tree that was also covered in snow? Not going to happen. I shivered just thinking about it.

  For a moment I let myself think about heaven and how warm it always was. There was never a time when you didn’t feel wrapped in comfort and warmth. After all these years, I still remembered the way it felt to be there. I didn’t think I would ever forget. Heaven was a place that was sacred. I’d been created there. It was part of me—a part I liked to keep buried deep within me. It wasn’t because I was ashamed. Ashamed that I fell, that I betrayed who I was supposed to be. No, it was because it was private. Heaven was a place that only those who lived there could understand just how wholly wonderful it really was. It was a reward, a reward for a life well lived, for those who truly believed in its existence.

  I missed it there.

  It was a thought I very seldom allowed myself. But I guess sitting here in the dark with the air nipping at my cheeks, I was having a moment of weakness. Yes, definitely that, because I also shouldn’t be here at all. I should be out looking for someone to help, for some good that needed done.

  I certainly shouldn’t be sitting on the roof that belonged to the man I was supposed to be letting go.

  I stood, rubbing my hands together, and peered down into the yard below, ready to jump. But the sound of a window opening to my right stopped me. I glanced over and something in my chest squeezed when Cole stuck his head out of the dark space.

  “Gemma? What are you doing out there?”

  I didn’t say anything. I was afraid to. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, then all the feelings that were swimming around inside me would escape and once the truth was out, it would change everything.

  “Come in here,” he said, ignoring my silence and pushing the window up a little wider, stepping back to make room for me.

  I glanced back down into the yard. I should go. I was just going to. Before I saw him.

  I looked back at the window, where I could make out his waiting shape in the shadows. I don’t know why he was standing in the dark, and I didn’t bother to ask him. Instead, I made my way along the roof line, until his window was directly below me. It wasn’t hard to hang from the roof’s edge by my hands and swing myself inside. I’d done it more times than I probably should have.

  I landed softly, with a barely noticeable thump, just inside the room, with my back to him and his window. I didn’t turn around right away. Instead, I stood there listening to the sound of him sliding the window closed, trying to come up with a reason I’d been sitting on his rooftop in the first place.

  “It’s not summer anymore,” he said quietly. “Are you cold?”

  I glanced at his bed. Memories of the night he pulled me into it with him speared through my brain. The way his hands had felt on me was practically sinful, and God help me, I loved every single second of it. I loved it so much it scared me. Cole was off-limits. Why couldn’t I seem to remember that?

  “Hey,” he said from right next to me. I felt his fingers wrap around my elbow and my eyes closed. “Is everything okay? My sister…”

  I turned to face him, my movement breaking the hold he had on my arm. “Heven is fine. As far as I know, everything’s fine.”

  He nodded. Then I saw the white of his teeth against the dark. “So you’re here because you missed me?”

  Yes. More than anything. “What are you doing sitting around in the dark?”

  “Did you think I wasn’t home?” He grinned again.

  Actually, that’s exactly what I thought. “I think it’s creepy that you sit around in the dark.”

  He laughed. “I wasn’t sitting around in the dark. I was downstairs, and I just walked in here when I saw some movement out the window.” He moved away toward the table by the bed and switched on a lamp, flooding the room with light. I blinked against the brightness as he walked toward his dresser that was sitting against the far wall and picked up a navy blue mug and brought it over, holding it out.

  “What’s this?” I asked, the scent of chocolate already wafting toward me.

  “Cocoa,” he replied. “Your cheeks are pink from the cold. Looks like you could use this.”

  It smelled so good so I reached out and took it. When my fingers brushed his, my throat suddenly felt as if I swallowed dust. I lifted the mug to my lips, drinking some of the liquid. It was rich and hot and the dryness in my throat absorbed the treat like a bone-dry sponge. I looked up to see Cole watching me with intense cobalt eyes that appeared slightly darker than usual. I realized then that I was drinking from his mug… placing my lips where his likely had just been.

  I cleared my throat and stepped away, wrapping both my hands around the cup. “Have you talked to Heven lately?”

  I thought they would’ve been in contact every day… that she would’ve told him in detail everything she saw in my mind that day she invaded it, but his question moments before, his concern for her, made me think otherwise.

  “Hardly at all since Logan’s funeral. I thought she and Sam needed some space. She’s been through a lot. And then school started and it never seemed like the right time to bring everything up…” His voice trailed away and he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans.

  He doesn’t know, a voice in my head whispered. He doesn’t know you love him.

  Part of me was actually bereft that he didn’t know, but the sensible side of me knew this was a good thing. It was for his own protection that he not know how I really feel.

  “It’s probably good they have a little space.” I agreed.

  “What are you doing here, Gemma?” Cole said, dropping the fake conversation.

  “I…” I didn’t know what to say.

  “If you wanted to see me, then tell me.” He stepped closer and I couldn’t help but notice the way the muscles in his shoulders bunched beneath the blue sweater he wore.

  I gripped the mug like it was my lifeline, but couldn’t tear my eyes away from his intent stare as he prowled even closer.

  “Have you decided to fin
ally admit how you feel?”

  “I shouldn’t be here,” I said, my voice coming out as a whisper.

  “Why? Why shouldn’t you be here?” he said, reaching out and taking the mug, setting it aside so there was nothing but charged space between us. “I want you here.”

  I want you here… His words melted something inside me. “I have to do what’s best for you,” I said, more to remind myself than him.

  “You’re what’s best for me,” he said, and I watched as he reached out his large, calloused hands, brushed the thickness of my hair behind my shoulders, and cupped my face. “When are you gonna let me in, Gems?” His breath brushed over me. It smelled like chocolate, and everything inside me from the ribcage down trembled with the proof that his lips actually had been on that mug.

  “I can’t.” I was ashamed that my voice actually cracked.

  “Yes, yes, you can,” he whispered, lowering his lips toward mine and tilting my chin up until the space between us was practically gone and our breath mingled together in a chocolate explosion.

  He was going to kiss me. I wanted him to, desperately, madly, deeply. I closed my eyes and waited for the first taste of his lips, but he stopped mere centimeters from mine. I held back the plea that just about escaped my throat.

  “I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

  His words cut through me like the winter wind and jerked me back into reality. I stepped back quickly, stumbling. He reached out to steady me, but I twisted, avoiding his touch. He thought I was so resistant to him because I was afraid of getting hurt. He thought my past with Callum had left me broken and hard. Maybe it had… but whatever parts of me that had been damaged were mended the first time he laid his lips on mine.

  This wasn’t about me. It was about him.

  About what my love would cost him.

  “I’m sorry,” I said when I looked up and caught the flash of hurt on his face. “I can’t do this to you.”

  “Do what to me?”

  “Let you sacrifice yourself.”

  “How is my loving you a sacrifice?”

  “Don’t say that!” I gasped.

  The words dangled between us like a spider on a thread of web. I wanted to pluck them out of the air and stomp them out, but I couldn’t. The mere idea made me want to weep. Words like that… feelings like that should be tucked somewhere safe inside the person the words were meant for… but I couldn’t let those feelings in. I had to wear a coat of armor around me to keep them out because that was the only way he would truly be safe.

  “Say what?” he challenged. “That I—”

  I held up my hand. “Please don’t say it. You have no idea what it will cost you.”

  “Then tell me. Make me understand.” He stepped forward and I moved around him, toward the window.

  He reached out and grabbed my wrist, whirling me around to face him. “How dare you,” he growled. “How dare you walk into my life, make me feel things I never felt before—things I know you feel too—and then just walk away.”

  “Cole, I—”

  His grip on my wrist tightened and he jerked me a little closer, cutting off my excuses. “But you can’t completely walk away, can you? So instead, you keep coming back, torturing us both.”

  I snatched my wrist away. “I’m not trying to torture you,” I snapped.

  “Tell me.” He demanded.

  “Tell you what?” I challenged.

  “Tell me what the price is to love you. I’ll pay it.”

  I sucked in a breath and just stood there staring at the blue fire raging in his eyes. In that moment I was utterly frozen. His defiance was so brilliant I had no response. How was it that I, a fallen angel, destined to walk the earth alone, came into such a gift?

  “I can’t ask you to pay that price, Cole. It’s too high,” I said when I finally was able to speak.

  “There is no price too high to pay for you.” He reached out and caught a strand of hair that had fallen over my shoulder. He wound the curl around his finger and tugged, effectively pulling me into his space. He released the curl and let his hand trail down my arm and over the back of my hand, seeking my fingers that were already twitching with the need to be enclosed in his.

  “Please don’t touch me,” I said, my voice husky.

  “Why? Because when I touch you, you can’t think? Because you forget the reasons you claim we can’t be together?”

  My eyes lifted to his. “I can’t forget, Cole.”

  He sighed and released me, stepping back slightly and dropping his hand. “Fine. At least tell me why you’re rejecting me.”

  “I’m not rejecting you.” I argued.

  “The reason, Gemma.” He insisted.

  I took a breath, ready to spill it all, hoping it would shock him into finally letting me go. I would confess to him everything, how loving me would only taint him, how it would jeopardize his status as a Supernal Being. That when he died he could be stripped of his body and possibly cast out of heaven… How his very eternal life could be ruined.

  Somewhere in the house, a door slammed. My head snapped up to listen.

  “Oh, no,” Cole said. “You’re not getting out of it that easy. I’ve been waiting for too long.”

  I nodded. “We can’t be together because…” Footsteps on the stairs had me looking toward his closed bedroom door.

  “It’s probably just my mom. She’s not going to bother us.”

  “When you die…” I began and Cole shifted closer to me, his eyes intent on my face.

  There was a loud knock on his door and I jumped away from him like I was caught trying to steal something that didn’t belong to me.

  Cole let out a low swear, then yelled, “What?”

  “I know you’re not talking to me like that!” said a disbelieving voice from the other side.

  “Kimber,” Cole hissed and shook his head. “I’ll be down in a minute,” he yelled impatiently.

  “Aww, are you changing? You know it isn’t anything I haven’t seen before.”

  Something hot burned through my chest and I jerked, turning away toward the window. Suddenly, the cold seemed preferable to being in here. I didn’t intend to stick around to hear every last detail of Cole’s relationship with his ex. I pushed the window up, but he caught my arm before I could toss myself out.

  “I said I’ll be down in a minute,” he practically growled toward the door. Then he turned back, releasing his hold on me. Before either one of us could say anything, the handle began to turn and the door slowly began to open.

  I was out the window so fast he didn’t have time to try and stop me. I heard him hiss my name, but by then I was already in the grass and making my way across the yard to disappear into the darkness.

  I turned back only once to see his dark head staring out the window while a girl with beautiful red hair came up behind him to grab his arm and slowly lead him away.

  * * *

  The bar was a dingy, dirty hole in the wall that only locals could possibly know about. It wasn’t the type of shiny contemporary place on the main street in Portland that served apple martinis alongside crystal bowls filled with roasted mixed nuts. No, this bar was three blocks from that place and the entrance was located in a narrow alleyway between two brick buildings. There was a dumpster that probably hadn’t been emptied since nineteen eighty at the end of the alley along with a vent built into the street where some kind of exhaust filtered through, giving the already filthy place the authentic quality of one of those murder TV shows.

  It was the perfect place for a criminal to hide.

  Or in this case, a breeder to hide.

  Before entering the bar I decided to do a little watching of the comings and goings of the place, so I melted back into the exhaust (which strangely smelled like cabbage) letting the thick fog conceal me from drunk, prying eyes. If I were being completely honest with myself, I wasn’t really back here for reconnaissance—I didn’t need to hold a stakeout. I already knew what the breeder was guilty of
, just as I knew that he would likely be here tonight.

  And the mood I was in made it the perfect time to kick his ass.

  No, what I was really doing was trying to scorch from my brain the image of Cole and Kimber in the window. I should probably be happy she’s there, right now, with him. Hadn’t I just finished telling him we couldn’t be together? It would be good if maybe they could rekindle their relationship… Who was I kidding? From everything I’ve seen and heard from Kimber, she wasn’t just one crayon short of a full box; she was just the empty box. And considering she was now mixed up with Hecate, Cole would be better off alone.